It will be fall soon, already I wonder what fall brings. What once was my favorite season, somehow, the thought of it makes me shudder. Already in my mind I feel the temperature falling, see the leaves changing, falling to the ground. I wonder. Whenever the word "wonder" creeps into the fog of my mind, I think of Jonathan Carroll and his brilliant treatment of the word, and what happens when wonder creeps in. Often, as adults, wonder is really not associated with awe (like the great wonder and curiousity of a child). Wonder nags, compels us to make choices from fear. I am not enthralled by this sense of wonder, nor am I enthralled by this sense of moving time, when for the first time in my life, I feel as though my life is in a sense of stagnation. Things are changing, everything is progressing forward and I feel stuck, unable to move - like a nightmare where you want to run, but you are somehow frozen. Am I stuck in a bad dream where I am waiting for the daylight again? There are days, moments, with glimmers of goodness - but they are fleeting. Like those quick glimpses of a dragonfly in an odd place at an odd moment in late summer in the middle of the city. The goodness seems surreal, like it doesn't belong in all that surrounds you. And just as you are ready to "observe" more, it flees - the moment is gone. The moment is gone...
The fall will be here soon and I am already wondering what it will bring, this feeling is ever daunting.
I hate this part.
Chapters turning pages, wonder. I hate this part.
There is an inherent contradiction. That is the awakening. As a piece of you fights to sleep, there is another which claws and nags at your innards like an animal breaking free from a cage, to make footprints in the snow. This part of you is ready to hunt, live, capture life. Inherent contradiction is the magnificent beauty in everything.
Patience never wants Wonder to enter the house: because Wonder is a wretched guest. It uses all of you but is not careful with what is most fragile or irreplaceable. If it breaks you, it shrugs and moves on. Without asking, Wonder often brings along dubious friends: doubt, jealousy, greed. Together they take over; rearrange the furniture in every one of your rooms for their own comfort. They speak odd languages but make no attempt to translate for you. They cook strange meals in your heart that leave odd tastes and smells. When they finally go are you happy or miserable? Patience is always left holding the broom.
— Jonathan Carroll (White Apples)
