Fall is officially upon us. There exists a certain crispness in the air, a certain quality to the energy around us. The day grows ever shorter. There was a time when fall used to be my favorite time of year - now I am less certain. As we grow closer to winter, the image of bright yellow leaves and their contrast against tar black roads and grey sidewalks embark a sense of longing in my soul. There is a quiet beauty, but in my mind I know it harkens the reality of cold. I know soon that as I make the march to my car, I will be able to see vapors rise from my mouth as I exhale to breathe and the mornings will surprise me with the gift of crystalized water on my windshield. I suppose this too is part of the magic of the season, finding the warmth. This season brings so much mystery. We are all bundled in layer after layer, which must be pealed off like an onion once we arrive at our destination. The "true" holidays begin arriving, seemingly to take our minds off the weather and into the spirit of the season.
I digress, already, I am off subject from my original intent of writing. I jokingly mentioned to someone the other day that I am a wild horse, no one can ever tame me. To which he replied "all women say this." For whatever reason, this has stuck in my brain like a splinter working itself out. Do women and men really think and behave this way, obviously some reflection via the blog is in order...
There is a Japanese Buddhist proverb, Kokoro no koma ni tadzuna wo yurusuna, which means, Never let go the reins of the wild colt of the heart. Ever since I learned it, I keep it close to my mind and soul. For me, it simply means to be free - in my actions, in my mind, in my heart (without hurting others). And, in the context of a relationship, it very often reminded be of a quote from Erich Fromm - "In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two."
By culture, by biology, by need…yes…we ALL want to be that someone to somebody. But you should be loved for who you are, not what you could be - or what you once were - you should be loved for the human being that you are. When you find a person who is authentic and sincere and accepts you as the same, wants to play on your team - then consider yourself a lucky person and prepare yourself for a really beautiful run…the unfortunate reality is, too many people are busy interpreting ghosts.
Love is simple - you are with someone that loves you back. Any void that you think needs to be filled by someone else, is something you actually need to figure out how to fill on your own. You are the only person who has the power to complete yourself (yes, Jerry McGuire got it all wrong). That is the point to Shel Silverstein’s “The Missing Piece.” We go through life thinking we need that one thing or that one person to make us whole…and then you’re disappointed when they can’t do that for you. You just have to learn to take the power and take the control to make yourself whole. It’s like the notion of love. You can never really be loved unless you love yourself. You can’t expect someone to complete you. It’s too much to ask. It’s too selfish. Love is loving someone for who they are in your life, for the way they compliment your life…not the way they make your life function. Wine and cheese don’t taste good together because they can’t stand on their own, it’s simply a combination that works. It’s a banal analogy, but I’ve learned the hard way that "true" love really isn’t that complicated and we have more choices in this life than we truly allow ourselves.
A lot of what makes life so complicated is expectation. Expecting something from someone, expecting something from something. The problem with expectation is, it’s a crapshoot. Sometimes you get what you wanted, more often than not…you don’t. Which means that a lot of us walk through life with a suitcase full of disappointments. Nothing in your life will ever change unless you change yourself, change your life. Things don’t happen to you…you happen to them. You are the action and everything else is the reaction. Maybe if we all thought about the action necessary to get the reaction desired, we might all get a little further in life. You are entitled to nothing you haven’t worked for. When you get something unexpected, it’s random luck - so take it as motivation and not a hint of what you “deserve.” Everyone “deserves” better. How many people are looking in the mirror to instigate the changes in their lives to welcome better things? Status quo is just that - status quo. As Johann von Goethe once said, "Everybody wants to be somebody; nobody wants to grow."
In the end - some things defy explanation particularly when it comes from our hearts. We experience the affection of others often like the beach experiences the ocean. We are changed by it, sometimes enhanced...sometimes eroded. At times the size and motion of the waves are inconsequential and other times the gentlest wave can bring forth the most monumental of changes. But like a beach we are simply there, unable to control the ways of the water. We exist hoping that the landscape is a beautiful one. I am one of those people who exist, hoping that in the end, the waves of life create something beautiful. I’ll just continue wandering, throwing the starfish back into the ocean.
If I could write words
Like leaves on an autumn forest floor,
What a bonfire my letters would make.
If I could speak words of water,
You would drown when I said
"I love you."
- Spike Milligan
