Inside the cage there is food
Not a lot, but some
Outside there are only
Vast expanses of liberty
- Nicanor Parra
I had a very lovely dinner with a very dear friend of mine last night, who is unfortunately experiencing the demise of a relationship. When we first met many moons ago, he was having difficulty in deciding whether to stay with his then fiancé. I simply sent him a letter that I had written some time ago, which ended with “…I'm not afraid of making commitments. I am, however, terrified of committing myself to being a person whom I know I cannot be.” I have sent this same letter to many close friends who find themselves with similar conflict.
When a relationship ends, we are often reminded that love is hard, and it can be icky, it can turn our insides and strangle our intestines, especially when love disappoints. It doesn't make love any less wonderful, or you any less human or those we have loved any less of the person they once were - even if they have become mere shadows. But love is evolution and growth is pain. Sometimes what hurts most forces us to find the better part of ourselves. There would be something wrong if some part of ending did not eat at you, if wonder did not creep in - because your heart only knows how to feel - it is not rational. Eventually, in time, your spirit will take hold and your heart will become more whole. You will find yourself again. Time does heal all, but allow yourself to hurt - you would not be you if you did not. This is all a part of the process. A piece of you has broken, your body is learning how to cope with this.
To have someone to share life with is indeed a wonderful experience, but a rare commodity. Very rarely does someone look at you the way you look at them. Unconditional love is a treasure. When you find that person, if you ever find that person, embrace it. Never let it go. Keep it warm and safe, near your heart. Many water the soil to see if the seed will ever grow. Some people dedicate themselves as the eternal keepers of the garden. Sometimes too much water kills the seed, sometimes there exists nothing in the pot which is meant to grow.
Unfortunately, too often, people lose sight of who they are, simply because they don't want to be alone. This notion that one needs another person to make themselves “whole” is ridiculous. You are the only person who has the power to complete yourself. That is the point to Shel Silverstein’s "The Missing Piece.” We go through life thinking we need that one thing or that one person to make us whole, and then you’re disappointed when they can’t do that for you. You must learn to take the power and take the control to make yourself whole. It’s like the notion of love. You can never really be loved unless you love yourself. You can’t expect someone to complete you. It’s too much to ask. It’s too selfish.
Love, is loving someone for who they are in your life, for the way they compliment your life, not the way they make your life function. Wine and cheese don’t taste good together because they can’t stand on their own. It’s simply a combination that works. I know that’s a banal analogy, but I’m a firm believer that “true” love really isn’t that complicated and we have more choices in this life than we truly allow ourselves. And, my analogy and thoughts on love aren't simply relegated to the "romantic" notions - but those you simply love and care for. Love is not an expectation, it is simply a condition existing in various forms.
I realize that this might not reconcile with my statements in regards to the healing process of love, but, being able to function as an individual and having an intimate and spiritual connection to someone, is feasible. And, when this bond is broken, it can have a deeply profound effect - sometimes beyond emotional, but physical. This is not to insinuate that two people can't be "whole" and walk away "whole" - but certainly, just as two people physically bonded by chains suddenly separated, a difference will be overtly known (we've all been there before, whether it was the death of a family member, the betrayel of a friend, a child growing and moving away, or the end of an affair... need I say more).
A lot of what makes life so complicated is expectation. Expecting something from someone, expecting something from something. The problem with expectation is, it’s a crapshoot. Sometimes you get what you wanted, more often than not, you don’t. Which means that a lot of us walk through life with a suitcase full of disappointments. Nothing in your life will ever change unless you change yourself, change your life. Things don’t happen to you, you happen to them. You are the action and everything else is the reaction. Maybe if we all thought about the action necessary to get the reaction desired, we might all get a little further in life. You are entitled to nothing you haven’t worked for. When you get something unexpected, it’s random luck, so take it as motivation and not a hint of what you “deserve.” Everyone “deserves” better. How many people are looking in the mirror to instigate the changes in their lives to welcome better things? Status quo is just that, status quo. To quote Johann von Goethe, "Everybody wants to be somebody; nobody wants to grow." Those that I love (or have loved), I love not because I expect something, be it tangible or not. I love them for making my life richer. Life is not the Nasdaq either, but sometimes, this is where hope gets a bit complicated for me...but that's another entry for another time.
I hate to be the bearer of reality here, but in any "ship" where you love someone, love is not enough. There's a combination of factors that makes a team work, that allows the people you care for to survive the game of life. I've loved a meth addict who was a very dear friend, but love wasn't enough to stop his pain, or keep a bullet from his brain...I digress.
Inevitably, despite my ramblings on this page, no one will ever be able to give you answers about your life and what you should or shouldn't do. No one can tell you what the right choices are to take you down the path that you belong. In life, we are all essentially blind, feeling our way through a maze. Some of us feel the walls as we go, some of us instinctually follow a path as if we were able to see, and some of us trip over every obstacle. But the ones who make it out are the tenacious ones who just keep going. A blind man can't tell another blind man how to see just like one person can't tell another person how to live...no one really knows, we can only guess and imagine. As Aldous Huxley so eloquently put it, "Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him."
Euripides once said, "Do not consider painful what is good for you." Change is good. Like I once said to a really good friend "Sometimes a lot of shit is needed to grow the most beautiful flowers." Basically, if you don't experience pain, loss, or bad moments in life, you can never truly blossom and grow. This is not to insinuate that one should inflict pain on themselves - or end wonderful relationships. But, once the door of hardship has opened, do not be afraid to endure it. Where one door opens, another closes, and another shall open. It's hell in the hallways and you will navigate your way through.
Going back to my dinner conversation with my friend, he told me about his last trip overseas to the “homeland” and of the great Ceiba trees. Attached to this, was a wonderful legend of how the ancient Maya of Central America believed that a great Ceiba tree stood at the center of the earth, connecting the terrestrial world to the spirit-world above. The long thick vines hanging down from its spreading limbs provided a connection to the heavens for the souls that ascended them. These trees were everywhere, and the photos he showed me were breathtaking, while on his trip – he told me he climbed the steps of a large temple and had an epiphany. While I shared the sentiment that this must have been a wonderfully profound moment, I also wrote later…
…Be careful with epiphanies, fate is shapeless. Often when we think we have seen an image, as we near it, the slightest breeze can change the initial form we saw from the distance when we began to chase after it. Foolish to ever believe that fate is set in stone - even a stone erodes, or falls from a hill - or becomes a molten river. Perception becomes reality, but in the end - perception is only from within. There is no fate, only absolutes.
In closing, it doesn’t really matter how esoteric your thinking or how metaphysical you desire your world to be. The fact remains that to survive in this life, you must play the game. You must work, you must socialize, you must interact, you must suffer, experience pain, and deal with the world around you. For some people, there also exists a separate and distinct challenge, the spiritual growth of the mind. A way of viewing the world in a way that you are completely removed and life’s events become completely inconsequential except for the search for some grain of truth, a lesson, or some deeper meaning. This is what gets me through the rough times in my life. It’s what makes me feel that there is some reason for suffering. It makes me even more grateful for what’s good in my life.
Buddhists believe that all life is suffering, one lesson, the opportunity to stifle or continue growing. It is my hope that I've only continued to grow despite anything that has crossed my path. In this life I know almost nothing for certain. I don’t know when I will die. I don’t know if anyone will be left to hold my hand tomorrow or ten years from now. I only know that one day I will be a teacher, one day I will run a free art clinic. Today I am blessed because I have my life and I am loved by wonderful people. And, because of the few things I am certain of, I am one of the richest people in the world.
"Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." - Mahatma Gandhi
